1974’s Imaginary Split Singles from Hell
February 2nd, 2009 | 4:30 pm est |
In 1974’s Imaginary Split Singles from Hell — alternately AllMusic Hates 1974 — several of our editors who listed their favorite albums and singles in AllMusic Loves 1974 think up nightmare A-sides and accompanying flip sides that exemplify the absolute worst of the year, while one comes up with some slightly contradictory pairings. The picks are fish in a barrel, yes, but they are toxic fish nonetheless. (One particular artist is targeted twice, while one particular song is contemptible enough to get it three times.)
David Jeffries
A-side: Paul Anka - “(You’re) Having My Baby” 
B-side: Jim Stafford - “Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne”
Anka’s ode to a life sentence and no more nights out with the guys plus Stafford’s rambling lowering of standards (”‘Cause any woman that would get a bulldog drunk/Would have to be good to me”) equals a very bad single, but one that can teach kids about life and homophones.
Tim Sendra
A-side: Billy Joel - “Piano Man”
B-side: Olivia Newton-John - “I Honestly Love You”
Get ready for a schlock overdose here. If there’s a more annoying, more unctuous, more blandly pretentious “rock” musician than Billy Joel out there, I certainly don’t know about it. “Piano Man” is one of Joel’s odes to how sucktastic it is to be Billy Joel and while I agree that he is sucktastic, I don’t want to waste any of my semi-valuable time hearing about it. The flip side is a song that always creeped me out as a kid. ON-J was never much of a singer at her best but her breathy, tremulous vocals on “Honestly” are so bad that even as a tiny tot I knew she was terrible. Plus her unhinged sincerity made it seem like she was stalking me, getting ready to steal my milk carton and trying to kiss me at recess. Yuck!
Uncle Dave Lewis
A-side: Jim Stafford - “Wildwood Weed”
B-side: The Wild Magnolias - “Smoke My Peace Pipe (Smoke It Right)”
The Stafford song — with its key line, “sittin’ on them sack o’ seeds” — was sort of like what it would be if the future Smokey and the Bandit were drug dealers rather than good ole’ boys. The Wild Magnolias never tell us what’s in the peace pipe but — well, we know.
Andy Kellman
A-side: Rick Derringer - “Rock & Roll, Hoochie Koo”
B-side: Eagles - “James Dean”
Any song containing “hoochie koo” or “lawdy mama” is asking for it. The same goes for any song written by Jackson Browne and/or performed by the Eagles.
J. Scott McClintock
A-side: Paul Anka - “(You’re) Having My Baby”
B-side: Eric Clapton - “I Shot the Sheriff”
Not too many tunes can induce the convulsions that these two “compositions” visit upon me…each and every time I hear them. The kind of 45 that would be effective as one of those “alternative punishments” that judges sometimes sentence noise violators to.
Sean Westergaard
1974 had some real jams and some total dreck that would have made for some truly awful split singles. I decided to shoot for a different kind of juxtaposition.
A-side: Ringo Starr - “You’re Sixteen”
B-side: Paul Anka - “(You’re) Having My Baby”
A-side: The Moments - “Sexy Mama”
B-side: Sister Janet Mead - “The Lord’s Prayer”
A-side: MFSB - “Love Is the Message”
B-side: Carl Douglas - “Kung Fu Fighting”
A-side: Yvonne Fair - “Funky Music Sho Nuff Turns Me On”
B-side: John Denver - “Sunshine on My Shoulders”
A-side: Charlie Rich: “A Very Special Love Song”
B-side: Paul Kelly - “Hooked, Hogtied & Collared”
A-side: Curtis Mayfield - “Sweet Exorcist”
B-side: Mike Oldfield - “Tubular Bells”
Nice!
Gross!
Perfectly well!
Beinum was married to Sepha Jansen, a violinist with the Concertgebouw Orchestra. In 2000, their son, Bart van Beinum, published a book about his father, Eduard van Beinum, over zijn leven en werk. Source: http://www.mobiclub.info/muzyka/
Well, it’s nice to see that some people enjoy showing off their pretentious sides.
How about this pairing to show off the gack of nostalgia-mongering:
A-Side: “The Loco-Motion” by Grand Funk
B-Side: “Clap for the Wolfman” by the Guess Who
Or this pair to show the nothingness of 1974 funk:
A-Side: “You Haven’t Done Nothing” by Stevie Wonder
B-Side: “Nothing from Nothing” by Billy Preston
Then, how about this pairing of mega-wimp records:
A-Side: “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
B-Side: “I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song” by Jim Croce
Since everyone’s tastes differ, it’s easy to diss songs that you don’t necessarily like (if not, outright loathe), but all THIS particular blog entry does for me is to advise me that *certain* people’s opinions on music entries on this site need to be taken with a massive grain of salt (probably the size of the Pacific Ocean).
Note to Tim Sendra: When Billy wrote that song, he was not performing as Billy Joel, he was literally performing as a “bar piano player” who crooned cover tunes. And he’s not really lamenting his own fate, but rather those of the regulars: how did they end up where they are today? I never took it as a lament on his own life, more like an observation of where he was (at the time). I do admit, this is not one of my favorite Billy Joel songs.
To all: Thank you for not including any prog songs. Mind you, I do admit, most of them would _not_ have fit on a 45.
As far as dreck goes, these two made me want to throw the radio out the window whenever I heard them in junior high back in ‘74:
I Love by Tom T. Hall and
You And Me Against The World by Helen Reddy
And they still do.
Oh, you dear, dear Glen Bourgeois…please see:
http://www.slate.com/id/2209526/
I’ve always considered Rock’n'Roll Hoochie Coo a great rock song. Oh well….
I’d quite happily let a 1974 Olivia Neutron-Bomb chase and try to kiss me :)
I love how some of these songs were considered some of the best of 74 in the “allmusic loves 74″ entry.
Dear, dear, _dear_ Mac. I’ve already read that excuse of an “article”. Do something productive, like actually contribute to the conversation here, eh? ;)
Though 1974 did have it’s fair share of dross, leave Jim Stafford out of it! I was probably the perfect age (13) for songs like Spiders and Snakes and Swamp Witch, and I was the kid who kept phoning the radio station requesting Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne! Throw in Wildwood Weed (a song which has become something of a DIY phenomenon on You Tube) and I Got Stoned and I Missed It, and what’s not to like? Having said that, please carry on ripping on John Denver, Olivia Newton-John, Paul Anka, Anne Murray, Billy Joel (Piano Man IS insufferable) Sister Janet Mead and Maureen McGovern.