American Idol: The Big Finally, Pt. 1
May 21st, 2008 | 5:10 pm est |
Heather Phares: How lame was that?!
Andrew Leahey: The boxing theme? Seacrest’s eyeliner?
Andy Kellman: American Idol 2007, according to Randy.
HP: Yes, that was SO good. Highlight of my evening.
Stephen Thomas Erlewine: I think a measure of how lame this season turned out to be is the boxing metaphor. Which was extended for the ENTIRE episode.
HP: Exactly Tom. And it was tired to begin with! They just looked so wrong in boxing robes.
STE: There have never been two singers less suited for wearing boxing robes than these two.
AK: The person who came up with the boxing concept would’ve been bummed had Syesha made the final — assuming Syesha would not have been down with it.
STE: Oh, I think Syesha would be down with it — she’s up for anything, she’s an actress!
AL: She’d just watch “Million Dollar Baby” a few times beforehand.
AK: Syesha would’ve blown out David C.’s grill in five seconds flat.
HP: And she’d look cute in the robes.
STE: I think Andrew Lloyd Webber was one of the better mentors this season, but his presence, combined with Clive, just emphasized how old-fashioned this entire season has been.
AL: Andrew Lloyd Webber was an odd addition to the show. And poor Clive looks like he’s 200 years old.
STE: The one new wrinkle I like is having the contestants choose the coronation song.
AL: What about Clive’s wrinkles?
AK: That is one improvement, yes. The choice, not Clive’s wrinkles.
HP: Yes, and that was where Cook really fell apart. Probably because Idol fans who are songwriters are partial to drippy ballads. Cook’s song sounded like a long beer commercial.
STE: From 1986.
AL: It did, but I preferred it to Archuleta’s “In This Moment.”
AK: Cook’s song reminded me of “The Power,” from The Transformers: The Movie.
HP: I dunno, “In This Moment” had a better melody, even if “Dream Big” had energy.
AL: All of those songs are so wrapped up in the realization of the present. “This is my Now,” “A Moment Like This,” etc.
STE: I also preferred it because it doesn’t have “moment” in the title, and it did have an ’80s power rock feel. So unironic in its way. I would agree that David A. did a very good job with “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me,” even if the song is heard way too much on the show.
HP: Yeah, overall he did better.
AL: Sigh. Yes, he did.
STE: But more interesting for me is “Imagine” — it’s a bookend to his earlier performance, where he seemed to have promise, even had some genuine streak to him. But this, this was all mannerisms.
AL: He deserves to lose for doing that song again. Same verse, same guitar-based arrangement, same vocal runs.
STE: And he showed very little understand of the lyric — or maybe our familiarity with him makes his misunderstanding more apparent.
AL: “Imagine no possessions”… as you text the word “vote” on your spiffy little AT&T mobile phone.
AK: Did David A.’s song choice really have the phrase “Not by my own decision”?
STE: Oh, that’s awesome, Andy — no wonder he related.
AK: “Born into eyes not by my own decision”: what on earth does that mean?
HP: “How can a mirror encompass perfection?” Apparently, “this moment” is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Not to worry though, we know that Archuleta can sing the phone book and it’ll still be the bomb diggity.
STE: The phone book line is a cliché that makes no sense to me — except for Randy, because after this season (plus his album) I think he doesn’t care what’s being sung, just HOW it’s sung. Which is my problem with a lot of the singers on the show.
AK: Perhaps it is the overexposure, but Archuleta’s voice sounds close to intolerable at this point — to the extent that I’d think he was very awful if I were to hear him for the very first time today.
HP: That’s a good point, Andy. The more you hear, the more his flaws (breathiness, little stylistic range) stick out.
STE: I’m in total agreement with that too Andy — I can’t imagine listening to a full Archuleta album, all that quivering and whimpering.
HP: If I liked Cook enough, I’d be mad that he kind of gave the competition away last night. Whereas I only like him in comparison to Archuleta (I refuse to call them “Cookie” and “Archie”).
STE: I agree, I actually am hoping David C. wins — the stage-managing of Archuleta really has irked me. But according to DialIdol, Cook is far ahead of Archuleta, so the wimpy weeping counts.
AL: I’m certainly bummed that Archuleta’s sonic syrup won over the judges.
HP: Yeah, but his schmaltz power was pretty much unstoppable — he brought the schmaltz better than Cook brought the fake modern rock.
AL: If you look at Cook, there’s certainly a progression there. He transformed himself from a plump, ill-coiffed nobody into a front-runner, a rocker, and apparently a sex symbol.
STE: Oh, I don’t buy sex symbol at all — dude just looks silly to me.
AL: Well, you’re not a woman in your mid-40s.
AK: Surely this is an oft-repeated thing, but the love for him baffles me. Beyond making some horrible songs tolerable during the first couple rounds, he seems like a moderately talented amateur performer.
STE: Again, he may be a sex symbol in THIS world — but when Idol is over, he’s about as sexy as Blake is right now.
AK: And he cannot even beatbox.
AL: I think Cook will sell more records than Blake, whether he wins or not. Not like that’s hard to do…
STE: I also — as I’ve said so many times before — don’t think that Archuleta really appeals to kids, the way Zac Efron does. But I don’t think Cook will sell like Daughtry.
AL: Not sell like Daughtry, but still sell.
STE: Maybe, maybe not — who knows what sells anymore.
HP: Zac Efron is weird and plastic, but at least he doesn’t look like he hasn’t reached puberty yet.
AK: Archuleta: The boy you’d love to manipulate – er, have as your son.
HP: Grandson, ideally.
AK: Paper carrier. Designated neighborhood dog walker.
AL: The little dude who mows your lawn for $15!
AK: “Gosh, $15?”
STE: “Oh, really, I couldn’t take the money from you ma’am, it’s just a pleasure to mow your lawn. Why yes, I WOULD like some lemonade!”
AL: Dude had a collapsed lung or something, right? A paralyzed vocal fold? Archuleta’s parents were probably making him sing his ass off since the age of 8, and his young throat couldn’t handle it.
HP: Yeah, he was singing instead of playing outside and developing a cardiovascular system.
STE: A neat new twist would be not having the final performance shown here — after we have the final two, just have the audience vote. Because I bet last night’s performances didn’t change any votes. But David C. crying might have.
HP: Yes, “Cookie tears,” as someone online put it, nauseatingly.
AL: Awww, Cookie tears. I liked it.
HP: The tears were fine in and of themselves, I guess, just the term “Cookie tears” makes me want to vomit.
AK: Smugworks.
AL: I still don’t buy the smug thing…
STE: I can’t get beyond the smug thing.
AL: I don’t think he’s any more big-headed than anyone else on that show. And last night, Simon attempted to recant his early accusations of Cook being pompous.
STE: I don’t want to harp on Cook as Lord knows I’ve done it enough, but I do think that he has a perma-smirk on. And I hate how he wields his song choices as they’re testament to his superior taste, when he invariably picks blah post-grunge.
HP: Yes, last night he turned U2 into Switchfoot.
STE: If you’re gonna do a Collective Soul song, do “Gel” — best Urge Overkill rip-off ever.
AL: Oof. “Gel”? “Gel” is the sound of me turning off the radio and bashing my head into the nearest hard surface.
STE: I LOVE “Gel.”
AL: Alright, so… Who wins tonight?
AK: Bad choice vs. bad choice, basically. David and Davider.
HP: I’d still like to think Cook can win, but … safe bet, in every way possible, is Archuleta.
STE: I think it’s going to be Cook in an upset so we have the first rocker ever. And that way they don’t reward Jeff Archuleta.
HP: Yeah, I still want it to play out that way. Don’t reward the stage parents! And I said it at the beginning of the season, the ideal Idol for the franchise now is a Daughtry they have complete control over.
AL: If you take the whole season into account, Cook should win. If you only look at last night’s show (which is how the voting is tabulated… if it’s even tabulated at all), his chances are slimmer. But I’d still like him to win; I just won’t be surprised if he doesn’t.
HP: Agreed.
AL: In 24 hours, Tom and I will never have to butt heads over David Cook’s self-image again.
HP: Until the single, and the video, and the album… but it’ll be fun then. We’ll be able to look back and laugh.
AK: Or reflexively keel over in pain.
AL: Oh, the memories of devoting 100 hours to a sub-standard Idol season.
STE: It will be a lot easier to take either David when we don’t have to see them and debate them week after week.
HP: I dunno, I still haven’t forgiven Blake and Jordin…
STE: Good point, I was just thinking how I came to terms with Daughtry.
AL: I still have not come to terms with Daughtry.
AK: Or DAUGHTRY, for that matter.
HP: So I guess it takes about two years, then. Who knows what Idol has in store for us in 2010!
AK: I don’t think I ever listened to the bands I obsessed about as a kid as much as we are exposed to the AI contestants, at least when it comes to four-month stretches.
STE: Exactly, Andy — it’s one of the many things that makes Idol such an odd experience, as it doesn’t really replicate any aspect of the pop fandom experience. But who knows, they’ll switch it all up next year. Allegedly.
Still laughing over the whole lemonade thing.
And, while normally I would run screaming from the room from anything that sounds like Cook’s idols, the dude won me over. And I think that I may actually enjoy a record of his — as much as I hate DAUGHTRY.
Oh, and can someone please take a weed whacker to the perpetually outstretched and waving arms in the front row?
I didn’t watch last night, and I don’t plan to watch tonight. This is the most anti-climactic finale ever, anti-climactic because two singers with zero personality and little understanding of creativity are almost interchangeable. The only difference between the two is the stage father. For that reason alone, David Cook deserves to win no matter how off he sounded, or how “weepy” (if he was at least sincere about it) he got.
No stage-managed child should ever win a show like this. Particularly one whose whole raison d’etre seems to be to fill the Clay Aiken void should Clay ever decide to come out………and be human once again. There is no reason to ever buy an Archuleta record, because he doesn’t know love, he doesn’t know human feeling, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have anything remotely resembling a life experience. He’ll sing these neutered songs and toothless covers, all the while sounding like a Miss America with an evangelistic streak. We already have one Groban and one Aiken and one Manilow, so why do any of them require an even more antiseptic sequel?
The best career outcome is for David Cook to lose, then come out with an album free of expectation and affectation. There won’t be anything Diane Warren-related about his first CD. But I still wouldn’t want to hear it either, because while Archie is too sincere without any knowledge of life, Cookie isn’t capable of sincerity. Everything about him still and forever comes across as smarmy, calculated arrogance. While he’ll have a freer hand and better record sales, his album will have no hint of what it means to create a song and sell it and not have it sound like third-rate Daughtry (which, as has already been established, is second-rate itself). I don’t think he’s capable of an album that has many different shades to it—everything will be slick, 200-era alt-rock with a pop gloss, complete with power ballads and hack work that’s not different from anything named Fall Out or Panic(!) or anything else in that realm.
The only solution is the one I came up with coming to Idol so late: record fans should have a three-year waiting period before buying anything Idol-related. Their collective debuts are not worth the time and energy, because there’s almost zero input on songs and styles; they sing what they’re told. After the debut gathers mold or dust, then their CDs are worth looking into, should they get that far. After that waiting period, these singers are then able to figure out what they do best and honestly, and without the grimy paws of the Idol babysitters at BMG. So, in the end, who wins doesn’t matter, because it’ll be three years before anything they do will be worth listening to for the lack of calculation and the amount of creativity.
Did anyone else notice Archuleta’s end-of-show “Imagine” clip? It didn’t match his performance! In the clip, he missed a note badly, one that he definitely did not miss in the performance. I don’t really know what it means, but it was weird…
Lame finale (especially thanks to the boxing) to a lame season.
D’oh, I bet the recap clips are made from the dress rehearsals…
“Gel” is fantastic.
To Morgan:
They use the dress rehearsal ending in case they run out of time, so Seacrest can have a chance to remind people to vote, as if.
Cook is gonna win and frankly, we may hate him, but we’ll all buy the album anyway. Glutton for punishment is our nature. ’till next year. Let’s hope it gets better.
To Tom:
No offence, mate, but you obviously hate this show (don’t you?) - but you write like you really care. If you dislike the show and the concept so much, why bother to watch it (the previous episodes I mean, not this one as you say you didn’t watch it) or write 4 paragraphs of vitriol about it. It’s not, like mandatory viewing, you’re not forced to watch. If you don’t like it, then just turn off or switch over. The same thing kind of applies to the AMG bloggers. They sneer down on the show and the contestants but it’s not intended to impress pointy headed music critics.
For the record, I would never, ever buy a record by any Amidol contestant. However, I find the show, the judges and sometimes the singing entertaining enough on their own terms so I will continue to watch. The show is just entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. On that level, it succeeds well.
I agree with you, Simon Deane. It seems that what passes for critical insight among reviewers is who gets to write with the most venom and vitriol to remind us that they are too hip to be watching this reality talent show. I also think that the show that encourages people to sing and make music gets my vote.
Actually, I do take offense.
I do not hate the show. I just hate the end product of the show, which features obligatory record contracts that drain any sense of creativity or originality from the the ones supposedly benefiting from it. It’s the whole “Johnny Bravo” thing: they expect whoever wins to shut up and sing, no complaint, no input.
And it doesn’t help that the final two here were not the best singers in the competition. The better voices and more creative ones were eliminated earlier on, which left us stuck with Syesha, Jason, and the Davids. If those four were on the radio, I can’t imagine too many folks would leave their radios on for four minutes from each of them.
The points you make can easily be turned back on you: you claim that we seem to think we’re above the show so that we can act cool and just savage it. I think you’re defending it in an attempt at looking superior to those who just thought this wasn’t even close to the “Best. Season. Ever.” hype. Having seen the last three seasons of this show play out as it has, this cannot possibly compare to the deeper talent pools from the last couple of years. On that score, who can help but criticize it for its glaring weaknesses in talent and personality?
So, leave the “You can turn it off” argument by the side of the road. I view the show solely on the entertainment value that’s provided, and not on the basis of a reflection of the future of American pop music. And on that score, it failed this year, with the personality drained out of it by the time May began. That I’m in agreement with the AMG bloggers isn’t piling on, or an attempt at proving we’re too cool to watch. It only proves that when it comes to feeling badly underwhelmed by this season’s Idol, misery loves company.
Dear Tom
Thanks for your reply and I do apologise for offending you.
My point is that this show should be taken for what it is - Hollywood pap entertainment, not as a serious search for true musical talent. If you want that, then a Disney produced prime time spectacle is not the place to go.
Whether or not the talent pool is better than previous years is very hard to say and a matter of opinion. If you ask me to compare David Cook with Jordin Sparks and Taylor Hicks (those are the only ones I know of properly), I would say that Cook was better than them and David Archuleta was also pretty close if not better. Melissa from last year was a superbly talented singer and performer but did not have the “star” quality that wins shows like this.
To criticise the show because the talent wasn’t up to previous years (if indeed that is correct) is also a bit unfair. The show can only go with the people who put their names down to appear in it. If the applicants aren’t as talented as in previous years, then you need to criticise America’s talent pool, not American Idol. As for “best season ever” hype - come on! What do you expect them to say? “Don’t watch this season because the singers aren’t as good as the last few years”!!! They’re selling a product.
By the way, I don’t see anything in my message which says that you are trying to act cool. Nor am I trying to be superior to anyone! My point is that you are taking this show completely out of context. Indeed, if the future of American pop music is to be judged on the basis of American Idol then you need to be very concerned indeed
Dear Tom
Thanks for your reply and I do apologise for offending you.
My point is that this show should be taken for what it is - Hollywood pap entertainment, not as a serious search for true musical talent. If you want that, then a Disney produced prime time spectacle is not the place to go.
Whether or not the talent pool is better than previous years is very hard to say and a matter of opinion. If you ask me to compare David Cook with Jordin Sparks and Taylor Hicks (those are the only ones I know of properly), I would say that Cook was better than them and David Archuleta was also pretty close if not better. Melissa from last year was a superbly talented singer and performer but did not have the “star” quality that wins shows like this.
To criticise the show because the talent wasn’t up to previous years (if indeed that is correct) is also a bit unfair. The show can only go with the people who put their names down to appear in it. If the applicants aren’t as talented as in previous years, then you need to criticise America’s talent pool, not American Idol. As for “best season ever” hype - come on! What do you expect them to say? “Don’t watch this season because the singers aren’t as good as the last few years”!!! They’re selling a product.
By the way, I don’t see anything in my message which says that you are trying to act cool. Nor am I trying to be superior to anyone! My point is that you are taking this show completely out of context. Indeed, if the future of American pop music is to be judged on the basis of American Idol then you need to be very concerned indeed. However, it clearly is not.